I miss my Mum!

I  have just posted the long promised story of my walk out of PPD and PPA after the birth of my daughter, sorry for the delay!
This post is about me, and how I feel now.
I am good, I am coping well, I love being a mum to two precious children! Life is utter chaos, my house is never tidy, or very clean, and my admin pile and my to do list grows unchecked and my husband has to rummage through a basket of clean laundry daily to find clean socks and underwear, but hey we are GOOD! Nothing like before, for which daily I thank God, and also my friends and family for their help and support!


I do miss my mum though! She died when I was 18, over Christmas, suddenly, from issues relating to a disease that 16 years ago wasn't much known of, Myeloma, which now, with research and new treatment, sufferers have a much better chance of life and quality of life. I try not to feel bitter, that MY mum didn't get that chance. It isn't for me to question the why's and the why nots. She was very ill, in a lot of pain, and her body couldn't fight any more, and I know if she could have she would have stayed with us, but her time was then.
I went through a lot of hard times, dealing with, understanding and "getting over" her death, and mostly I have been fine, there are memories, and things that even now, make me tender, I still cannot bear the hymn Hark the Herald Angels Sing, because she loved it, and it was played at her funeral, and the Louis Armstrong song "We have all the time in the world" which we bought on CD for her, for Christmas, sadly she never got to open that gift and the smell of the Estee Lauder perfume she liked, will send me down a lane of memories, but time has healed a lot of the pain.
 But recently with the birth of my nephew, and the arrival of my son, I often find myself in tears wishing she could see her three beautiful grandchildren and that she would have been terribly proud of my brother and I for over coming a lot of bumps and hurdles in our lives to get where we are, each in our own ways. I wish I could phone her for advice, or just to tell her how clever her granddaughter is becoming, or how big her grandsons are, and I wish she could have held them, and known them. I feel almost like I am grieving again, in a way. I think having children has brought back a lot of memories and feelings, and also an awareness now as a mother myself, just actually how hard being a mum is. I want to be able to tell her I am sorry for being such a stroppy, difficult teenager, and that when she told me things for "my own good" she was actually right, now that I hear myself sounding like her to my own daughter. I also want to tell her I admire her, I know she wasn't perfect, but she was very strong, very determined, very colourful and she had many characteristics I find coming out in me.
I can't bring her back, I can't tell her these things. It hurts sometimes, but I let it go.
I was at a bus stop recently with Em and Matty, waiting to go home from an outing, and an elderly lady was chatting to me, and admiring my children, who I think are pretty gorgeous, and she asked me if I had any family nearby, and I told her my Dad was close by, and my brother and his family, and she asked about my Mum, and I told her she had died 16 years ago. She looked at me, and took my hand, and touched both my children with her other hand, and said, "my dear, I am so sorry, you should not have to be motherless, but I know that your Mum would have been so proud of you and these beautiful babies!" I cried on the bus, poor Emily didn't know why, I had to sing "The wheels on the bus" and "Incey Wincey" in funny voices to assure her I wasn't sad, just sometimes that grown ups cry too, I don't think she believed me!
Anyway, all of you out there who have your mum still with you, give her a hug, tell her you love her, share a moment with her, because we don't appreciate our mother's until we are not able to be with them.
Here's to you Mum, and I know you would smile and be proud and whilst you may not have agreed with everything I have done and will do,  that was the nature of our relationship,  I loved you, you loved me and us, and that's what I hang on to when I miss you!

Goodnight all! Sleep tight, as Emily said tonight, don't let the bugbeds bite!